One of hubby’s favorite sayings is that children are the worlds greatest contraception. And he is so right. Hubby is always complaining he doesn’t get enough “stress relief” as he calls it. And  this is why:

(You should be listening to this whilst reading this post)

I got pregnant with Son no 1 during our first year of marriage.  We were married for 11 weeks when morning sickness kicked in and all I wanted to do was throw up or eat pancakes.  And then feeling like a waddling elephant does nothing for ones libido. I am also one of those woman who looked like I was 6 months pregnant at 6 weeks so I really did feel fat and ugly during my pregnancy.

Then there is the actual childbirth. Now I had my first son the traditional way. I was zonked on sleeping tablets when I popped and was not able to push properly.  When I checked into the hospital they told me I still had many hours to go before I was fully dilated so they gave me sleeping tablets to relax and go to sleep. So they had to give me an episiotomy when the time came. After this, there was no way hubby was coming anywhere near me for a long long time.  I could barely sit never mind think about anything going near my nether regions.

Then there is the sleepless nights and getting up at 10pm, midnight, 2am, 3am, 5am and feeling like a zombie all day.

Then your new offspring start to become real humans and become more active. This is when they want to sleep in your bed – this is usually the best time to go out and buy that king sized bed and learn to sleep on the last 12 inches of the bed – a habit I still have much to hubby’s disgust.

Then just as your offspring gets used to sleeping in their own room at around the age of 3, you then go and fall pregnant again and start the process all over again.

I did this 4 times. I never had an episiotomy again.  Caesars were the way to go for me – at least I could sit after giving birth and hubby had a chance of a quickie between nappy changes!

So this amounts to about 15 years of not having great sex. You learn very quickly to do things quietly and express your OOHS and AAHS in silence in the middle of the night.

Then finally, your child bearing years are over – YIPPEE – time to concentrate on how to feel like a women again and get your mojo back.

By this time of course you find yourself 40 pounds heavier and start finding a new grey hair on a daily basis. Your stress levels are now hovering in the clouds. After all you have kids to put through good colleges and mortgages to pay and you are in debt up to your ears.

Men and women are total opposites when it comes to stress – when men are stressed, they want stress relief in the form of sex. When women are stressed, we just want piece and quiet – preferably with a good book or blogs to read.  So when Hubby comes home and wants to “get it on“, it is the last thing on my mind.

And then Menopause sets in.

Having to deal with hot flashes, night sweats and insomnia leave me feeling very tired and irritable.  Constant mood swings make it difficult to get into sex when it’s happening.  Incontinence, weight gain, vaginal dryness all affect the way we feel.

It is not that we are dead inside – I mean if we can drool at the sight of Johnny Depp, then surely we should have some form of libido.

But somehow the brain does not communicate this to the correct parts of the body.  It is like your eyes are bigger than you stomach.

I often find myself looking at other men – especially those with prominent “penis pointers” (feel free to post a comment if you do not know what these are and I will explain them to you) and at the back of my mind I get the urge to possibly drag hubby down the passage and ravage him. But that urge just does not flip the switch all the way down.

This is when you realize that you have dinner to cook / kids to collect / homework to check / bank accounts to balance / bills to pay / animals to feed / cupboards to clean / shopping to do / emails to send / contracts to finalise / proposals to write / filing to do ……… And you put your hands up in defeat and wish you were sitting on the couch with your feet up …… And the switch just flips back up and the urge dies a sudden death.

Hubby has realised that the best time to “get any“, is to wake me up early before the brain wakes up and the “to do list” takes a footing for the day.  It is not the most exciting sex one could hope for, but at least we are making the best of it.  He tries to suggest we get the toys out or watch a video out of our secret draw.  But I know that the moment my brain wakes up, I will not be as willing.

I have been married for 25 years and I must admire the patience and understanding of my dear hubby through all these years as he certainly has not had his fair share of Getting It On!